My journey to the person I am now…

My journey to the person I am now! No one grief (grieves) the same. No one’s path or journey to healing is the same.  My journey of healing is not romantic but sad, sometimes exciting and through learning a lot about who I am inside emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  Often an event occurs that can change our world turn it upside down, every thing you know is completely lost.  Do we have control over our events? Why are we here? So many questions surfaced when I lost my son to suicide, the dates around that are still mixed up for me, so I won’t specify the times or the year even… I know understand the brain is wired to forget somethings.   I have put in new pathways to success and move past some of the pain I endured.

I will tell you my story of how I emotionally and mentally became who I am today…

Would I be a part of this world again I really wanted to do the simple things again like groceries and hanging out with friends, but it was to much. I spent hours on the grass just sitting sometimes listening to the birds or meditating but sitting.  Pretending I was ok when visitors came was a surreal like floating through time.

My healing journey started with two dear friends Bailey and Linda; they are both fantastic reiki/clairvoyant psychic mediums.  I will give their info at the end if you choose to seek out their talents.

These Ladies introduced me to connecting with myself and my son Greg.  I was a lot for them, I am sure.

There is no way I could possibly express the deep gratitude I have for them being in my life. I couldn’t feel normal or connected to this world in anyway and they helped me be ok with where I was.

I decided one day to go on a silent retreat for three days to seek out more connection.  I found it profound in many ways the silence created an opening in me, a beginning.  I cried, wrote, experienced energy work, meditated and smoked – ya I picked up smoking again at that time.

I had a bird come spend time with me a little yellow finch in the garden and I chatted with it for awhile.

I felt like it was giving me a push somehow, and in the next meditation I saw myself walking by water..  I did document all the details so its easy for me to go back to that space… the water was running fast a river.  I was not alone but with my husband in the experience. I recognized the space easily it was the peace river where the halfway joins outside Fort St John.   My husband and I went there almost everyday walking with our dogs.

In this meditation I felt a real freedom and somehow normal, almost like it was my steppingstones to healing…

It was a tuff time trying to find things to fill the emptiness…  of course  that is not posable when you look at what vanished in a wink of an eye… loosing a child is honestly the worse thing ever..

Once I went home days went by and still nothing made sense.  My husband and I walked by the halfway river where it met the peace river a few times a week with the dogs.  It was our place since Greg left.. we would pick up stones that had interesting features in them and bring them home.  I kept a plate calling them my gifts from Greg or healing stones.  Every day I wrote my son telling him what I did, what I noticed and how much I missed him.

One day when we arrived at the mouth of the halfway river, we noticed an eagle sitting perched on a huge birch log.  It was a huge eagle, I left the dogs with my husband and moved slowly to the bird.

I kept moving slowly until I realized I was sitting beside him on the log and like a friend I started to talk to him. He had a feather loose on his left wing and I wondered if he was hurt.  I slowly lifted my palm out to his wing and said I wish I could heal that for you.  The bird curiously kept looking at me calmly and allowed me to continue my chatter about missing my son and would he bring him a message etc.  I cried as I spoke to this majestic bird, I felt as though time stopped and it was just letting me do what I came to do.  Some how the bird was connecting into my soul with each moment it spent with me.  He patiently let me finish and turned his head up and on an angle in silence, all I heard was the water running quickly by.  I understood he wanted Ozzy my husband to come visit.  I thanked him for everything and slowly wondered back to the dogs.  My husband exchanged places with me sitting with him for a long time..

Of course the water was so high on the river and the sound of it running muffled out all that was exchanged.   My Dogs never moved just watches, some how they also knew what was happening.

I still can’t believe I had a chance to sit a couple feet beside such a magnificent creature, and to have experience what I have experienced.

We where at least 200 yards to the truck that had our phones, once my husband stayed with the bird for a while he came over and decided he would run up to get the phones to see if we could get a picture.  The Eagle must have known how important the picture was to my husband he waited calmly until he returned.  We took a couple videos, and he quickly flew away…

Some thing changed for me that day.   I guess one could say the Eagle healed me, or that spirit gave me a gift of peace and hope.  I came back to this world, slowly became eager to learn about healing modalities such as counselling, neurology, energy work, and spirituality to name a few topics. The one thing I knew is I wanted to help other people heal and grow…

A few months later I opened my lab top up and hypnotherapy was on my screen, of course after my experience with the eagle I didn’t believe anything was a coincidence in life.  I instantly called my friend Linda and said “hey” I think you should study hypnotherapy explained how it just appeared on my screen out of no where. She just Laughed and said no I think that is for you.  I quickly looked up programs found a three-day introduction program, and instantly felt like this is what I was meant to do…

I look back at all that was, and now all that is… I wonder how one can have so much sadness and so much joy in the same space, we spent so many days at that river tears, sunshine, rain, water it all mingled together as we kept moving forward.